Confused by the whims and whimsies of the modern world?

Ask Anchorman is here for you.

Whatever your query, however many Scotches are required to answer it, John MacKay will serve as your social lodestar.

Ask Anchorman is his style guide for the modern man. Submit your questions using the contact details below.

Anchorman says: I don't think of "owning" ties, rather of being their guardian. Ties are not objects to be tied down, oh no. They are colourful creations that bring vitality and -- in the case of STV News -- class to the world. My tie wrangler tells me the current flock is about a hundred.

Anchorman says: You hoped that doggie was for sale, didn't you? Well it wasn't. Animal cruelty charities would have been onto the shop like a shot if a poor dog had been displayed in a window. No, it was a mischievous dog - you can tell by the waggly tail - that broke into the shop and caused chaos before fleeing when a customer came in to ask how much for the doggie in the window. The doggie was not for sale, therefore the question doesn't apply.

Anchorman says: Given the snow that can sometimes form on a ball punted high during a game of amateur football in Scotland, I sometimes wonder if they do ever come back to the ground. But yes, a bouncing ball will create sound waves whether there is a receptive ear to hear it or not.

Let's turn it around. That unfortunate photo of me taken at a pool party was taken by a paparazzo hidden in the bushes. I never heard him, but the swine was definitely there.

Anchorman says: No, you never let her win. When she's standing there in abject defeat, broken and tearful, she'll know what it's like to be low, to be defeated, to cowed and crushed, to feel the world is against her and to wonder why daddy doesn't love her... Sorry, I'm just back from my therapist.

I suspect your wee girl might be more than a match for you.

Anchorman says: Do they? Which ones? Where are they? How much? Do you get fries with them -- not the basic fries, but the flavoured fries? Do they do deals with a milkshake and a chocolate dessert thrown in?

Er... What I meant to say was that this is a disgrace. Who can't make an omelette? That's got eggs in it, right?

Anchorman says: I don't know. My internet connection is down.

Dear Anchorman,

My boss continually embarrasses me in front of my peers. His 'jokes' include public insinuating that I have feelings for the First Minister, letting my seat down while I am in mid-sentence on the phone and sub-editing my tweets for the world to see.

On one occasion, Anchorman, he thought it would be funny on the passing of my driving test to buy me my first car. Unfortunately, it was a toy monster truck which was a play on my boyish good looks.

-- Aiden Kerr, STV Digital Politics Reporter, aged 21 and 5 months (via email)

Anchorman says: On first reading this would break your heart -- a sad litany of bullying and cruelty. But as I read closer it became clear to me it is not as simple as that. Your boss loves you. I don't mean in a lustful, knee rubbing way, but much as one would love a pug. These actions are all cries for attention. And perhaps you could give him that attention by reporting him to HR. Or you could pretend to be an affectionate pug. You choose.

[Editor's note: *lets down Aidan's chair*]

Anchorman says: Stealing a cage? Well, we've both had our run-ins with the law, but mine have usually been for transgressing public decency. For all his flaws -- and they are legion -- I don't think Raman would have it in him to steal a cage, or anything. I think we'd both lose on that one.

Anchorman says: Salon quality hair, so bouffant and luxurious that it makes a bearskin cap hide its eyes. That's what my mama gave me to shake.

Anchorman says: It's hard, but if it was only just the poorly knotted half Windsor I might be able to deal with it. However, it's the whole package that crushes one's sensibilities. Fortunately, Raman's always so late into the studio -- often with moments to spare -- that I am not exposed to it for too long. I thole it because I have to fulfil my daily mission of informing the nation.

Email AskAnchorman@stv.tv or tweet @RealMacKaySTV.

John MacKay is presenter of the STV News at Six and Scotland Tonight. He is author of Notes of a Newsman, which are his notes about being a man in news. He is renowned for his style, charisma and knee-weakening charm. He totally didn't write this bio himself.