Baffled by the whims and fashions of the modern world?

Ask Anchorman is here for you.

Whatever your query, however many Scotches are required to answer it, John MacKay will serve as your social lodestar.

Ask Anchorman is his style guide for the modern man. Submit your questions using the contact details below.

When it's raining, is it still okay to use a poly bag as a hat, and should I use a bag for life or just a regular 5p bag?

-- Stuart Robertson via Facebook

Anchorman says: The priority here is protection of your hair - your head suit, if you will. You must do whatever it takes to protect it. The issue with wearing a bag on your head is that when you take it off your hair may be tousled. This is unacceptable, whether it's a poly bag or a bag for life. Some people smugly suggest that you should carry an umbrella, but of course then there is the issue of the breeze moving your perfectly coiffed hair. My own solution to the problem is two-fold. I don't go out unless it is perfectly dry and still. If I have to, I wear a wide necked goldfish bowl which protects the hair without actually touching it.

Anchorman says: The key to the perfect tie knot is to do it lovingly, sensually. It can't be rushed. Every touch, every movement has to have the maximum effect, building to the climax of a perfect Windsor knot. I often tie my tie to the accompaniment of Abba's 'Andante Andante'.

Anchorman says: I have put my foot in my mouth many times, but I've never gone so far as eating it.

I think it depends at what stage you weigh yourself. If you weigh yourself immediately after gorging on your foot then no. However, if you weigh yourself after nature has taken its course then you will lose weight.

There might also be weight loss in the preparation of the foot for eating. First of all, the stress and agony from eating it would surely cause you to lose pounds in perspiration. And how you prepare the foot for eating could be significant. If you roast it, for example, it may lose some of its moisture and, therefore, weight.

So all in, purely as a weight loss measure it has some merits.

Ask Anchorman: I don't have a job working for Rona Dougall. I SERVE Rona Dougall, along with many others, and am grateful for the chance to do so. And, y'know, provided you don't look her in the eye and her gin is constantly to hand at the correct temperature (ice cold), then she's not so bad. Bad, but not so bad.

Did you ever think you would be on STV News for all these years?

-- Robbie Crossan via Facebook

Anchorman says: No, I never did. In fact, I didn't ever see myself reading the news at all to begin with.

When I started at STV there was an established presentation team -- Viv Lumsden and Shereen Nanjiani. Over the years people have moved on, some others have had their shoulders tapped, but I've been fortunate to cling on.

I think it's because of my salon quality hair, suits that make Sinatra look like a hobo and a voice that makes wolverines purr.

I don't think the dodgy photographs that are stored in my lawyer's safe have had anything to do with it. No, sir.

Anchorman says: This is an outrage! Isn't that what panthers were put on this earth for -- to make us smell good?

There is no other scent with the same impact.

The only alternative for a 60% success rate might be going to Magaluf for a week.

Anchorman says: Yes, I once got a puncture driving onto the Ullapool-Stornoway ferry which caused a delay. Another time I forced the Maid of the Loch to take evasive action because of some erratic rowing on a boat off Luss Pier.

Is that what you were meaning?

Anchorman says: I tried to get 4NCH0R, but the closest I could get was W4NCH0R. I think it still makes the right statement.

It's okay for me because I'm obviously kind of a big deal, but generally I think it's a touch of crass. None more so exemplified than lawyers driving around with either their profession 'LAW' or, even worse, their degree 'LLB' on their number plates.

Anchorman says: Neither or neither is obviously pronounced 'neither'. And it's a remarkable coincidence that the same confusion exists over either or either.

As for pizza boxes I have it on good authority they start out round, but are stretched to their maximum dimension by the temperature of the temptation inside.

Anchorman says: No news! You'll need to forgive me while I take a slug of Scotch.

Sorry, I took a bit of a turn there. What is this phenomenon of which you speak? It would be like saying what if there was no air or no water? Without them we are not alive. The same with news.

However, I think the 'best of' idea is excellent. We do an annual round up of news at the end of every year and it's not because everyone is off on holiday, no, no, no.

I think we should push this further with a weekly round up of my ties or cheesy comments.

Anchorman says: Truth is absolute. The truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. But that depends on whose truth it is. Which means it must be biased. How can two people tell different truths about the same thing? Are they both telling the truth or does one only believe it's the truth, even if it's not?

My head hurts.

Email AskAnchorman@stv.tv or tweet @RealMacKaySTV.

John MacKay is presenter of the STV News at Six and Scotland Tonight. He is author of Notes of a Newsman, which are his notes about being a man in news. He is renowned for his style, charisma and knee-weakening charm. He totally didn't write this bio himself.