Sometimes it's hard to be a man, Tammy Wynette would have sung if she'd known of the tortures the modern world visits on the male of the species.

Dilemmas like: Combover or hairpiece? Cologne or au naturel? Admitting you've forgotten your wedding anniversary or giving her an air freshener shaped like a meerkat from the petrol station?

Ask Anchorman is here for you.

Whatever your query, however many Scotches are required to answer it, John MacKay will serve as your social lodestar.

Ask Anchorman is his style guide for the modern man. Submit your questions using the contact details below.

Anchorman says: First of all, I am working on the basis that this is not a euphemism for something not spoken about in polite circles.

For a start I call it a ladybird, not a ladybug. But y'know, in these progressive times why do we even need to call it a male or a lady? Maybe it doesn't see itself as either. Maybe it doesn't even want to be a ladybird or ladybug. Maybe it would prefer to be a wasp. Do we need to apply labels? So I think we should call such a creature a non-binary, non-labelled, non-prejudged beastie. Okay it lacks the cuteness of "ladybug" or "ladybird", but it keeps us right.

Anchorman says: Thrash metal.

There are two reasons for this. If the company against whom the complaint is directed genuinely valued your call then they would make sure it was answered quickly. But they could care less, so they delay answering the call and play soporific music to calm you down. If they played thrash metal most people might not last the age it takes for their "valued" call to be answered.

However, the complainer can use this to their advantage, but you have to be strong. Wait the thirty minutes, let the thrash metal feed your rage, so that when they do finally bother to answer you are in full aggressive mode.

Anchorman says: It's for a present? Is it, aye?

The scent you seek is Sex Panther cologne and it's made from bits of real panther so you know it's good. Sixty per cent of the time, it works all the time.

I have my own supply from my personal perfumier who adds a couple of extra special supplements.

A warning. Their powerful potion can only be worn by real men who recognise the value of a chest hair prairie and the magnetism of a gold medallion.

Anchorman says: Why would anyone want to choke a Smurph? Yes, they're irritating, but choking them is rather extreme. I think there may be anger management issues here. See if you are pure radge, forget the poor Smurph and do what that comedian of yore, Larry Grayson, used to do -- crush a grape instead.

Anchorman says: The answer is in the question. The full Windsor is really just a Windsor.

It is the half Windsor that needs the extra explanation. It is "half" -- it is not the real deal. There are those who will say the Windsor is for the fuller figured gentleman around town and the half Windsor for characters who wear "slim fit" suits. By the beard of Zeus, that is an outrage perpetrated by people unable to master the complexity of the Windsor!

A final point -- it is the Bhardwajs among us who wear the half Windsor. I think I've made my case.

Anchorman says: I do. That is what I have been trained to do since I was at Anchorman college. Yes, there may be the occasional stray question mark which can cause you to doubt who you are, but what happens if you stray from the autocue? You find yourself saying words like "webs---e" instead of "website". That is a warning to us all. The Anchorman is but a conduit for the news words to be passed on to the nation, an empty vessel if you will.

Anchorman says: Personal crises, sexual tension, betrayal, lives in a spiral. Nothing I see on TV of an evening matches the drama I see daily in the STV newsroom. However, if you put me on the spot, Corrie is on STV and is, therefore, obviously better.

Anchorman says: I never have, but that's such a brilliant suggestion, I think will adopt it, use it and take credit for it. That is what Anchormen do.

Anchorman says: You are missing the king of all the chip dishes. Where is the salt 'n' vinegar option? A taste sensation with the added medical benefit of alerting you to any minor cuts on your fingers.

The chips 'n' cheese won't drip onto your tie, but look like a congealed blob of unpleasantness. The chips 'n' curry sauce looks great, but can leave an unsightly stains if you eat it over eagerly -- and let's face it, how else are you going to eat them?

Anchorman says: I never do. Not only do they hold the door open for me, but they bow and refrain from looking me in the eye. Thanking them would require me to talk to them and I prefer to save my voice to address the nation.

Anchorman says: The tie is fine. The knot? Mmmm. Not so sure.

Email AskAnchorman@stv.tv or tweet @RealMacKaySTV.

John MacKay is presenter of the STV News at Six and Scotland Tonight. He is author of Notes of a Newsman, which are his notes about being a man in news. He is renowned for his style, charisma and knee-weakening charm. He totally didn't write this bio himself.